I started this newsletter to have a little spot to keep people updated about the things I've made lately. So hey, here's something I made lately: a baby! This one, in fact.
I'm lucky to live in one of the few states with a medical/family leave program for self-employed workers, which has made taking maternity leave a much less stressful experience. I keep thinking about when I told the people I work with about being pregnant, I included a line in my emails about how I was planning to take time off but also could maybe get bored and want to do some work during that time. And I mean, sure, that could end up proving true. But now, just a little over a month into my maternity leave, that feels like a truly naive and dumb thing to have said. But in my defense, I knew I was bieng naive and dumb as I said it.
It turns out that newborn life is hard! Kind of like everyone promised! But I've gotten to the point where I've found some parts that I love. Like the time spent walking back and forth with him in our bedroom at 2 am to get him to sleep. It's surprisingly meditative, which comes in handy during a time when everything feels chaotic. It's also been a great time to catch up on my podcast backlog, including these two episodes of The Ezra Klein Show exploring declining fertility rates around the world (including the US):
The first episode is an interview with Jennifer D. Sciubba, a demographer who explains what it even means for fertility rates to be declining and how researchers define and understand this trend. The second is with the sociologist Caitlyn Collins. It dives into how even though we might expect declining fertility rates to be low in places like the US because maternity leave policies suck, they're also low in places like Sweden that do have incredible parental leave policies. Both episodes are good listens--it's always useful to see the way different academic viewpoints approach the same subject--but the second episode was particularly interesting to me because of the extended conversation around how parenting has evolved and affected the choices people make.
But the thing that stuck with me most from the episode is the difference Collins notes she's observed in her conversations with mothers in the US versus those in places like Sweden. In particular, those of us in the US have a tendency to couch any discussion of a positive maternity leave experience in the language of privilege and gratitude ("I'm so lucky to have 12 weeks off"). Meanwhile, she describes Swedish mothers are more likely to frame family leave as an entitlement, as something that is a right. And yeah, as someone who wrote "I'm lucky to live in one of the few states with a medical/family leave program for self-employed workers" just a few paragraphs ago, and who also spends every day thankful that my husband gets the whole semester off for paternity leave...I am grateful. I feel very lucky! And that is kind of sad to realize how much of a shift it would be to think of these things as something I should see as a right.
I am grateful though. I am grateful that after several years of miscarriages and navigating the physical and emotional toll that took, we are here with a baby. And I am grateful or every second I get to spend with him, even the challenging ones.
But I also resent so many aspects of what it took to get here, and what it'll take going forward. I resent the personal experiences that made the last few years harder, like the doctor who wanted me to remember that my biological clock was ticking when I told her that I was going to be taking a break from trying to get pregnant to focus on travel and my mental health. I resent the bigger picture that's taken shape over the past few years as the scaling back of reproductive rights made the prospect of getting pregnant with a history of miscarriage feel so much more fraught. And against that backdrop, I wonder what it would have felt like to be able to feel entitled.
That's a lot to ponder at 2 am when you're trying to get a baby to sleep, and I don't know yet where I'm going with all this. I'm just happy to be here in a world with this baby in it.
